Much of the time I want to believe that I am a mature, near-perfect Christian and my ego insists that that should be the face that I ought to proffer to the world. Indeed, I find myself doing that quite often, in spite of the fact that in my heart of hearts I know that I am not as spiritually mature as I would love everyone to believe.
On my blog I want to write challenging posts, mature stuff. I want to tackle the nitty-gritty of the ‘higher life’! In short, I desire to be the perfect, mature Christian and everywhere I want to present the perfect, mature Christian life. And I am sure that any serious Christian would support my quest without question. It is a truly noble one.
But… sometimes (like tonight) I stop in my mad dash for glory and sit overwhelmed as some very basic thoughts begin pummelling my mind. Sometimes the reality of what actually took place at Calvary tries to wriggle its way into my spiritual consciousness. Did God truly give His Son, His only Son, Jesus, to die for me? Did Jesus really come and live on this earth, this same earth that I live in? I mean, did God through His Son leave His abode in Heaven and come down and take on the form of a man and live on this planet? No! That is unthinkable! And is it true what I hear, that He did that just for me? That is even more improbable.
Did Jesus truly go through all the suffering that He went through specifically for me, that I would not be lost, but be saved? Did He really… or am I dreaming?
Am I worth any of that – leave alone all of that? Ha! Of course not! I certainly am not worth an iota of the trouble that God underwent. Had I been around I know exactly what I would have told God: “Please God, don’t! Go ahead if it’s for someone else; but if it’s for me, no.”
He might have asked, “Are you sure, Mwita?”
And I would have replied, “Lord, I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”
So God did it without asking me.
The proposition is an improbable one. But I am made to understand that this proposition is a solid reality. Maybe something else is at play here. Something outside of the realm that I as a human being knows, is at work here. No doubt there is a LOVE here, an INCOMPREHENSIBLE LOVE. It is a love that I, certainly, cannot comprehend.
Sometimes this basic fact of salvation alone overwhelms me more than all the ‘mature’ stuff I am racing to unearth. As I lay me down to sleep (it is well past midnight here) I gladly allow the tears to flood my eyes as I meditate upon the unthinkable.
I tell God, “God, this is a dream. A sweet dream; but a dream nonetheless.”