Not too long ago, I was describing to a fellow pastor how the Lord changed my heart towards my daughter. Starting from her teens, my daughter was not always an easy girl to get along with. She was headstrong and stubborn to the core. Her mother and I wanted her to become an obedient little girl, but we got the exact opposite. Needless to say, this state of affairs hurt both me and her mother deeply. In varying degrees of coaxing and coercion, my wife and I would try to make her tow the family line. But she just wouldn’t.
When I was with her, I would rein in all my impatience and try to be as loving as possible as I lectured her repeatedly against her stubborn attitude. That was when I was with her. When alone, however, I would be clawing up the wall in fury and frustration.
I had raised my children with the greatest care and attention to discipline and good morals. Somehow, I had placed a premium on my efforts, which meant that I expected them to tow a certain kind of line. But God never allows our ways to become His ways. No matter how sincere our intentions, no matter how good our plans, we must first acknowledge that it is all by His grace.
My daughter attends one of the colleges right here in our town but she stays on-campus. I was telling this brother how, one time, within a period of one week, I called her on the phone three times in a row, and she wouldn’t pick up her phone. Nor did she bother to call me back.
Ironically, I had initially actually called to say ‘Hi’. I had decided that, as her dad and pastor, I should now shoulder the responsibility of carrying the cross for everyone. But the exercise backfired. Two calls went by without being answered, and I wasn’t taking it nicely. By the time I made the third call, it was just as well she did not answer. Had she answered, the phone lines would have experienced a small atomic tremor.
After the third call, I spent the entire week preparing a doomsday speech – in my mind. She had to know who was boss! Even if it took her a year to come home or to call me, that speech would be delivered. I honed and honed on it until I felt it was as perfect as it could possibly be. Then I stored it in a specific location in my brain.
At the end of that very week, my daughter called me and informed me she would be coming home for the weekend. I answered her with the darkest “Welcome” that will ever grace this world.
I waited for her with mixed emotions. As with all parents, I love my daughter deeply. But, somehow, I could not take her intransigence. She had to learn to obey!
But a miracle took place that night. Yes, a miracle as instantaneous as the miracles that took place during Jesus’ time. That night, as I lay in bed, awake but tense, I suddenly felt an indescribable calm sweeping over me. A strange peace washed all over my heart and even over my body. I lay still and savoured its presence. All of a sudden I felt knots and lumps loosening up in me. At that moment I knew, suddenly, that I was free.
Actually, now, in retrospect, I realize it was the Lord Jesus Christ in person who visited me that night. In an instant, a whole new change occurred in me. I felt an incredible love for my daughter. I realized how she must be suffering also in her inability to obey us, her parents. I knew she wanted to obey, but she just couldn’t. Or, could it be…? All of a sudden, I realized that it was I who had failed her. I had failed miserably in showing her the love and patience she needed.
At that moment I felt I was ready to accept my daughter as she was. And this feeling came straight from my heart. I wondered, What had I been doing, being so hard on her?
She came on the evening of the next day. As luck would have it, it was I who opened the door for her. Upon looking at her face, I found the expected: an expression that indicated she was expecting trouble. Eyes sharpened to a knife-edge; and a mouth that was firmly set.
But she was in for the surprise of her life. I quickly moved out and took her in my arms, hugging her tightly. Then I looked into her face and said warmly, “Welcome!”
Her mother, who was inside preparing dinner, asked, “Is that Keren?”
“Yes”, I said.
Then I turned to her and said, “If you had not come tonight, you would have missed today’s chicken.”
The long and short of it is that, ever since that day, Keren and I, and her mother also, have become the best of friends. The even better part is that nothing she will ever do can take away or lessen the love that the Lord put in my heart that night. My love for her is perfect and unconditional.
Could things get better? Yes, of course. The best part is that Keren has been set free. When she is home, she no longer has the confrontational attitude that she possessed before. Gone also is the hounded look on her face. She has no need of these things because in her heart she can feel that they are no longer needful in our relationship. She can feel my unconditional acceptance of her.
Today, when she is at home, Keren brightens our house.
[Below: An indigenious people of the Manyara region, the Wamang’ati]